if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
