Just cropdusted the office
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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