i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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