is your mom at the bar?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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