she looked like the bat from fern gully.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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