Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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