The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
All I want is dick and wine.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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