i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Randomize
