my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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