Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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