my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
