Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
