All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
