as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
