her vagine was all disorganized.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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