my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
