i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
