no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
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