there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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