I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize