Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
