Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
