Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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