you traded sex for a burrito?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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