Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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