I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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