It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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