Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
