I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
