You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I will be naked everywhere
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
