There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
