Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
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