i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
