So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize