I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
