There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
My life is pants optional.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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