She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
