what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
