nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
