I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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