Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
