So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize