Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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