He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
