I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
