I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Shitshow foam night was such a success
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
