i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
