the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize