My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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