Banned from zoo.
Again?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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