did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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