dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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