hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
