Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
