"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
