I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
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