I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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