my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
